No more lying & being pushed away,
Don't blame me if i felt scared, don't blame me if i lose faith.. Cause i don't want to feel that way too. Assure me like i assured you, promise me like i've promised you. Out of 100%, there's still 5% that i'm holding back.. Cause of fear. I've been through the feeling of being left all alone, I've been through the feeling of being stabbed in my heart & i've been through the moment where i nearly died of heartbroken.. Luckily, i managed to get myself out of it. I'm no longer stuck in those moments. I've a great boyfriend, i've a group of wonderful girlfriends & the world's best family in my life. In fact, i actually had nothing to complain.. The only complain i had is that why doesn't i dare to trust anymore? I trust, but on some circumstances i'm afraid to trust. I always tell people not to trust anyone easily, trust ourselves. That's what i've been telling myself too, ever since few years back. Bec not everyone around you, might be true to you. Hypocrites are everywhere, sad to say \: Friends come & go, They go & come back again. But the friendship between wouldn't be as strong anymore.. I used to have friends, who i can chat everything(really everything) under the sun/moon/stars.. But, out of 10 such friends.. I've lost contact with more than 7 of them(For Example). That's why everytime i'll tell myself " Live for myself, don't live for anyone. You don't stand to gain " I perserver everytime i failed something, i won't give up. But when i know it's time to give up i will. I won't continue wasting my time on that hopeless thing anymore, that's me. I cherish everyone around me now, bec we won't know what would happen tmrl.. & i don't wanna hurt anybody that loves me too. I always hurt people that loves me, in turn i got hurt. Karma, i really believe in Karma now. Geez. & i still believe, my Karma is still not yet over..
I start to worry for myself, worry for my future. When i signed up for the Diploma course in Kaplan few months back, i told myself " I'll study! For the sake for my future, i'll definitely study! " But what the fuck am i doing now? When i think that i gotta go schl on every Wednesday,Saturday & on some sunday(9am-6pm) I was so reluntant to go.. Where's the motivation i've inside me few months back?! I'm so afraid i'll waste the 5k of money down the drain.. 5k is not a small sum of money, for goodness sake :-( I need motivations, i seriously need to get motivated to study. Urghh.. I'll try my best to study&cope with my studies!
Family, i really loves my family alot. Friends always say how good my life is, i've everything i wanted.. I've a super duper good&nice Mom. She buys me everything i wanted, but idk why we always quarrel(?) Especially when i'm home, especially when there's only two of us. Maybe bec of my sucky temper? I'm short-tempered, i'm not patient when it comes to her. Sigh, i really love my mom i swear. But idk why i can't resist myself from being impatient with her.. I got really touched when those times i'm really so pathetic, she'll lend me a helping hand even when i just shouted at her. Those times, when she covered up for me in front of my Daddy. Sis always say " Where to find such mother who will do this & that for you? " I want to stay at home too, but whenever i quarrel with Mom.. I hate to stay home, & we just can't stop quarreling. Seriously, why? :-(
Love, i fell down & got up countless of times. In people's eyes, Stephanie is a strong girl.. Who is able to withstand against all odds. I used to be very naive, to trust easily. I used to be stupid, to forgive easily.. But i'm none of these now. I used to fool around, but when i get serious.. I really am, but in the end when i'm serious.. I got burnt(Lol). I've been through the darkness point of my life, those young & silly times when i still dk how to think.. Those times aren't coming back anymore, cause i've moved on & i'm not turning back(at all). I've found someone who really loves me, & made me love him with every beat of my heart.. I won't let him go, never.. I've never expect, i'll love him so much.. His really driving me crazy, I'm afraid of losing him like how he's afraid of losing me. I cherished & would treasure this love that i'm being granted with.. Loving someone is not allowing them to experience any heartaching being with you, Loving someone is changing for him/her & yet accepting who he/she are.. & you'll know it's really love, when you feel that you're ready to see him/her everyday for the rest of your living times on earth.. I always wished " Please. Don't let this thing fall, Don't let this thing fade & Don't let this thing end .. I want it to be forever. " These few days, i've finally decided.. What i'm gonna wish on 9th september 09 :-)
Town with 妈咪Kin tmrl afternoon, Meeting my onlylove @ night... & the usual sentence you always hear from me(I miss you, baby).
I finally agreed with what girlfriends told me,
" Duration/Time is not a problem "
& What Fiona甜心(L) says,
" If the feeling's right, why not? "
I love you, baobei! *smiles*
P/S: It've been quite long, that i really type a lengthy post(hehe)
StephanieK 淑芬,
